why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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