rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
