If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
