Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
