I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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