I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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