ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
