I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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