I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
