I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
