Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
