I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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