If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
