I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
