I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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