Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
