you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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