Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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