My friends, they love my intelligence
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
