roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
