Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
