Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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