When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
