mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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