He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
