just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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