If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
