i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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