...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
