So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
