I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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