I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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