I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
