listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
