I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
