I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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