I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
it was like eating out sand paper
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
