I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
