Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
