I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Sober January is a disaster.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
