Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
