Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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