I think i sorta joined a cult last night
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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