my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
