you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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