tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
