Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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