Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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