the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
