Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
