I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
