I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
