Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
