You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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