Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
