Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
