On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
