You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
