guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
