I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
