Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
