the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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