i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
