I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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