I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
