do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
