My underwear smells like fireworks.
She announced her abortion via fbk
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
