My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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