Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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