Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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